I have been hit tonight with a brutal realisation of things about me. I realised that I seriously cannot wish myself happiness or garnish enough positivity to be optimistic about myself. Once again, I will have to let go things that I wish I need not. .
I need to really stop thinking.
I apologise for suddenly disappearing. Sometimes I find it too much to be surrounded by such happy people. I feel out of place. When I sit and think afterwards, it occurs to me. It hurts that I cannot be like them. The closer or the happier they are, the more it hurts. I think I'm going to snap soon.
Why do I say something and mean it, then upon reflection hate myself for saying it? Or show something and mean it, then later think that it may have been fake? Am I in denial of something that I don't even know? Do I hate something that I can't even see? Or have I just lost myself? Where did all this doubt suddenly come from?
Am i getting schizophrenia or some other mental illness? The thought is scary.
In that case, I need to cherish that in front of me before I get sent to an asylum, but why is it so hard for me to do that? Why do I always seem to spiral back down again? Am I not better? Haven't I been able to escape, when I thought I had?
I hate how when I thought I was happy, it turns out I may either have not been, or that I have thought of something that has turned it upside down. The power of thought.
Who ever told me that I was empty for not thinking? Look what it has done to me. Thinking can be productive to some, but to me it's utterly destructive. I'm falling apart from the inside out.
I'm not sad or depressed, lets get that clear.
I just do not seem to be able to understand why my thinking tends to complicates the most simplest of things. I can't comprehend why my thinking refuses to allow me to be happy.
It's all in my mind. Why have I suddenly turned so extremely pessimistic? And maybe tomorrow when the sun rises I'm suddenly slightly positive again?
I seem to have lost control of my moods these days. Am I losing control of myself?
Is it that I have seen too much about my friends, that I'm now scared to even wander into the real world because I don't want to be hurt myself? Am I now just too scared to do anything that have the potential to backfire on me? I don't know...
The closer people get to me, the greater the mark they leave no matter what. The recent past has been so different. Have I suddenly dropped my guard and let people in too close? Can I attribute this sudden implosion to them? Have I just justified and pursuaded myself in taking steps back? Back to what it was before all this happened. Back to a more closed state, protected from people, even though they may be my closest friends.
The more I seem to believe that I've solved the riddles that are laid before me, the more they start to pile up again.
I feel so vulnerable sometimes. Like right now. I might not be at 10am tomorrow. Why? I may not think that I needed to be protected from my friends tomorrow. Why? I may be happy tomorrow and not be down here. Why?
Then why do I feel what I do now? *sigh* Can't sleep...
[update 3:18pm] I've fallen asleep at my desk twice after coming in late at 10:30.
benny | Monday, May 22, 2006 
Comments
from
Mags
Yeah, it's hard to be surrounded by happy people sometimes when you don't feel it yourself. Especially when you need to muster up some sort of happiness in your reply.
I think we all go through it every now and then - I know that I did tonight. So, be comforted by the thought that you're not the only one.
Sometimes we react in certain ways cos that's the socially accepted response that we unconsciously have drilled into us. And when you're not so happy and others are, that unconscious reaction kicks in and you say something that you thought you meant at the time, but then realise might not have been all that true later.
I don't think that it's necessarily unhealthy to feel this way. I think we all go through pessimistic bouts every now and again - sometimes the pessimism lasts a bit longer, sometimes it goes away pretty quickly. I think that it keeps things balanced. Eternal optimists are scary.
But you got one thing right. Thinking tends to complicate things for some reason - you'd think that the term "thinking things through" would imply that when you think about things, they become more simple and clear. But in my experience, I've found that the more you think, the more confused you get.
��n��o�̦h��Ben... �p�G�V�ܴN�V��}�ߡM�A�ܨӰ����SBoil some dramas instead.. now that's time spent productively. ;)