I think I'm growing up, guys. After 20 years,
the happiness bubble has finally burst. How naive was I to think it could go on forever. Now, I don't even know if I'm depressed, or just sad...
It's shown me one thing, though, that I was happy. Only by being sad does one know what happiness is.
I want it back...! It feels like a part of me has gone.
It's now time for me to evaluate myself.
who I am,
why I am here,
what I want to do,
who are my friends,
what I want,
what I need,
what I think I need,
what I like.
Things have changed. I have changed.
I don't know what I want anymore. Or maybe I never knew, and now it's caught up with me.
I know my friends want to help but I reject them. Then I regret it. It's like I see sense and rationalism sometimes, then at other times it just deserts me.
Sometimes I'm happy, but that can change really quickly and for no particular reason. It feels like I'm riding a rollercoaster. Even worse, it seemingly feels like I'm now suffering from a mood swing problem too.
I'm so confused.
I'm so screwed up.
I think I've come back to blogging now when I'm online. It's like an outlet. And even though I'll spend 10 minutes writing the most superficial things that no-one really cares about, I feel it has some significance in giving myself a small insight into what's going on in my own life.
Colour of the day: Black
Number of the day: 10. 10 MUJI pens left in my stash
Letter of the day: M for mother
jenfa
Mags
Mags
Post a Comment [3 comments]
Having an outlet is good. Keep blogging if you feel that it helps - it's good for us too - those who do care about you will make an effort to understand what you're going through in a way that doesn't annoy you.
But don't worry, everyone goes through this stage of their life. Everything that you once thought was so simple, and never even thought to question because you could just take it for granted suddenly catches up with you and forces you to think, eh?
I don't like to see it isn't as being screwed up as such. It's just growing up and finally feeling the need to just sit down and SLOWLY re-evaluate your priorities and what you want - not what people expect from you, or what they think you want. And when you do that, then you begin questioning everything around you... come to think of it, it is a pretty depressing process.
Although I must say, the question of why you're here is probably like asking yourself, "what is the meaning of life?"... and I don't think we're meant to know this quickly. But if you mean like, what have I done with myself in this 20 years of life, so that I am where I am now... haha. then think away!! Have a blast.
Either way, no matter what happens, your friends are gonna stick by you - so take that quality time you need to think things through, k?
Mags |
Monday, May 15, 2006 10:37:00 am
i think i get you..
as in all through primary, high school, it was just about getting good grades.. even selecting your degree, it was more about what was "socially desirable".. but now it's like shit do you really want to spend the rest of your life doing this stuff? all the things you know, everything you've taken for granted, everything you thought would last.. you're starting to see them go. friends going overseas, maybe permanently; friends actually getting somewhere in life.. securing a job etc etc. and it suddenly seems like all this freedom - procrastinating, hanging out, forcing people to k on your impulse.. - will be going soon. and responsibility takes over.
hey not too late. cherish these days ^^