I'll tell you why I'm putting my troubles on the blog.
I wanted to remove my depressed self from my real self.
I just don't see myself as unhappy. You guys don't see me as unhappy. But I was, and I didn't know what to do. I told myself that I needed to maintain something for the world to see and suffer behind it. It worked for a while. I didn't want you guys to see any less of me as a person just because I was like that.
It got to a stage where I couldn't hold it in anymore, and you were picking it up. That's when I knew something was really wrong. But I was reluctant to admit to it. I denied it. But it grew, and I felt worse. I couldn't sleep.
It only got to the stage where I felt like I'd rather die, that maybe I was getting myself in a bit too deep to ignore it.
I wanted to curl up on the ground and watch the idle hours go. I wanted to push my friends away, you know who you are. I did it to protect you from me. I didn't want my friends to be hurt or burdened by my own actions. I didn't want them to chase and follow me if I decide to pack up and go. But why do you insist on doing that?
From then I knew that no matter what I'd do, they will continue to be here for me even when I go to great lengths to remove them. And I came to accept that. I also came to realise that I should value this friendship more than most. I feel indebted to him.
But that does not mean I do not feel indebted to everyone else. However, from indebtedness comes guilt. Now, I can only feel guilty that I have put people through this experience when it was not their own doing. Don't you see it? All that trouble and worry they go through for one small person. It's not worth it, I keep telling myself.
I still do. It's not worth it, guys. And on that note, I'm back down on a low C again.
When I forget about all this, I am my usual happy self. But when it comes back, I can't but help feel guilty and sorry again. I just want a bit of happiness back in my life.
Colour of the day: Red
Number of the day: 15. That's 15 episodes down and 2 to go.
Letter of the day: A for awake
benny | Tuesday, May 16, 2006 
Comments
from
CoCo
Mags
benny
Post a Comment [3 comments]
As you said yourself.. you'd do the same for your friends.
When it comes to the accounting of frienships, there is no need to feel indebted. No debits, no credits... none of that.
End of rant.
Mags |
Tuesday, May 16, 2006 2:06:00 am
0-coloured MUJI pen?!!
��??!