It's nice to catch up with old friends and catch up on lost time. It's excellent to see friends and be around them. Their presence seems to make all things bad seem somewhat good. Knowing that they're there is always reassuring.
Then I get home, and I'm surrounded by my own thoughts. My own depiction of the world. My own perceived problems and unanswerable questions. I'm faced with myself.
For a while, I could face it. Now I can't. I've lost the strength I had before. I'm falling sick again. I've never been so sick for so long. I'm suffering. It has been a month now. I'm so tired. I'm always tired. I can't sleep at night anymore. I can't think for half the time. I'm as indecisive as ever. I can see myself headed back down the spiral that I had tried so hard to get out of.
I tell everyone that I'm fine. It's become as reflex as saying 'hi' to people when you see them. In the daytime, I really do feel fine.
I am becoming a big contradiction. I say one thing but I do another. The gap is gradually becoming wider.
My life is just be a buoy amongst the waves in the ocean. Lonely in the open expanse, rocking amongst the waves. I'm here to guide people and protect them, but as they sail away happily I find that I am stuck in the very same spot. Days become nights on an endless cycle. Storms strike. Fish bite. Ships sail over the top. Ugh, I hate being a buoy. Feel so used. So exposed. Bored. Unprotected. Tired. Lost.
I am so tired. I can't come online like this. That is why I'm not online. I can't go out like this either. I only want people to see me when I'm not so down, talk to me when I'm not in such a bad state. So next time you see me, I'll be smiling for sure.
My sister just gave me some Japanese to quiz her on. I tried to read the hiragana and katakana but I couldn't. She just ridiculed me for saying "telefi" instead of "terebi". I don't care, it's funny, we laughed and it makes me happy.
benny | Wednesday, May 24, 2006 
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jenfa
jenfa
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oh btw.. my cousins made me read the japanese instructions on the packaging of some gundam figurine.. and they laughed at me.. DDDDD=
jenfa |
Thursday, May 25, 2006 1:25:00 pm
nobody expects you to be cheerful 24/7. and you shouldn't expect that of yourself either. it's through the negative, through mistakes, that you grow, learn, mature. so don't pretend that you're happy "on the outside" if you're really not.. it's hard on yourself, hard on others also because over time, you'll probably come across fake..shallow, even.
having your "down" times.. it's all part of being human. we all have different emotions, and it's the differences between these that emphasise the better times and make it all the more worthwhile. so.. don't think of yourself as alone, bouncing from one extreme to another.. try and think of things as how life is meant to be.. and at least these intense emotions you're having.. i'm assuming that at least you feel more alive this way?
remember you don't need to keep up whatever "exterior" you're talking about.. because yes, that's tiring; and yes, it just makes things difficult for yourself.
keep in mind that you're only human. everyone else has their ups and downs. and surrounding yourself with your loved ones helps remind you that you're not alone and just maybe helps put your problems back in perspective..
maybe i'm trivialising your problems, i don't know.. but i really hope that it's just your mind putting too much emphasis on the negative at the moment.
so just remind yourself that your friends will always be here.. there really is no reason to feel alone =)