ben.ism

The weather really does affect emotional health. Based on this premise, can I say that English people tend to often be sad and mopey, and Aussies are just always happy?

I'm suffering from pre-exam/assignment anxiety. In typical me-style, I've gone and redesigned my blog. Do you like it?

The impending demise of Orange Tan Guerilla (Group Blog) after nearly 3 years has been on my mind. I remember when I first started the blog back during year 12 amidst HSC trial chaos. I recall it to be amongst the first blogs in our group. I asked Jackson to come blog with me on day 2, followed by Matt on day 3 and Andy a while later. It was cool to have a medium in which we can share ideas, thoughts and anything interesting. I remember when we hit uni, the topic of girls first appeared on the blog and it was funny. Ever since then, that's really been one of the most pervasive topics. The fascinating thing about the blog is how it brought together people with different ideas, thoughts and views on life together where it was laid out in the one place. Such richness and diversity was what I consider to be the one great success of the blog.

But then people change, and naturally, the character of the blog changes. It was like a black cloud covered the blog for nearly a year. During that time it was still Jackson, Matt and myself with cameos from Andy. But I remember thinking to myself that the blog has become a huge black wallowing pot. To say that it wasn't a defining era for it would be to deny the truth. I'm glad that it has risen above from that nowadays. To me, the blog has always been a key to understanding the bloggers when I can't see them in person. Don't forget that we've been stuck with each other since high school. It is undeniable that we have all changed.

It's this change thats now brought upon the demise of the blog. I praise Matt's efforts to keep it afloat, and Jackson, especially after my mutiny. I started this blog and left behind the OTG, which I have never regretted doing. My reasons have remained clear as well. There was a pervasive attitude of excellence that hit the blog about 1.5 years ago whereby bloggers and readers alike demanded substance that was interesting, funny, witty and not boring, mundane and a retell of the days events. I remember having to think hard about what to write, and that brought pressure which shouldn't exist in a blog at all. For that reason I started to lose presence, and I found that I couldn't compete to Jackson's or Matt's posts at all. It became somewhat competitive, and I felt like I had been left by the wayside. And it was in that context that this blog came into fruition.

Ever since then, I haven't really gone back to the OTG. Apart from that, the readership increased exponentially to include people that I was not particularly fond of. I felt like I was losing privacy. That was the reason Andy stopped posting. I remember that clearly. I followed suit and went as well. I felt restricted and censored in what I had to say. Personally I have never been a conflict-seeker, and so it basically meant an exile, a forced imposition of silence.

In the time that I left, Matt and Jackson did a superb job of keeping its head above water. Nowadays, the blog has become a movie review source. It has been so resilient for the last 3 years, so much like a chameleon. I sincerely hope that it is able to make its way out of this situation but without writers, a blog is nothing. I suppose being the founder of the blog, and sharing so many moments with it has made me somewhat connected. It's a shame to see it go, but change is inevitable and people pursue their best interests.

So why is it a demise? Matt is now moving on, I've been my own independent self for 1.5 years, Jackson's leading a busy life outside of cyberspace, and Andy and the others haven't been in contact for ages. I haven't been able to run parallel blogs since I started this one. For the above reasons, I also feel that the OTG is a place where I just can't achieve the standards expected of a post. I feel pressured by the substance that's there and the readership that follows it. The OTG gets hits of close to 200 every day, so who knows who's reading it? The only thing I know is that I can't match it anymore...

So that's what this blog is for. I feel like I can say anything, do anything, think aloud without being scrutinised by people I don't necessarily want to be reading it. I've never publicly told the OTG members why I left the OTG, I just did. So now, maybe with some transparency they can respect my decision to pull the plug on it.

And it's funny, on this blog I feel like there's support from you guys which I don't think I really felt grateful for until now. For a long time, this blog has been my escape from the depressing OTG of the past. It's a somewhat ironic role reversal at the moment. As much as I try to avoid having a negative sentiment here, it'd be somewhat fake to cover it.

A blog is but just a couple of words on a website. It really is no substitute for catching up with the real person to really understand who they really are. Maybe you might see the post in a different light afterwards.

Thanks for the memories, OTG. That's if you're in fact going... which you better not be.

benny | Wednesday, September 13, 2006

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