ben.ism

ageing and graduating

It has been five years since I commenced my university degree with enthusiasm and vigour. Five years later, and my perspectives on life, friends, family and everything are really quite different to what it was before. Whilst I cannot say whether it's a turn for the better or worse, it's still nonetheless a turn. At the same time, I have been able to learn and experience many new things that are priceless.

I remember in first year looking up at those fifth year students and thinking "wow, they're so old" and "they talk old". I never wanted to be like them. They seemed to talk in a different language and about boring things. They complained about work but at the same time gave great insight into it. Those ideas were almost foreign to me at that time. But now, I think I'm one of them. In a gradual process of growth and maturity over my last five years, I have learnt to accept and embrace these changes in my life. Five years down the track, I am very much a mirror image of the person I did not want to be, but one that is normal and inescapable now.

Thinking back, the days of living irresponsibly are long gone. When you get your first job, that's when you start learning the ropes of earning money and spending money. Being able to spend your own money is more satisfying. Learning how to budget is a lifelong skill. Uni brought the best balance between earning capacity and free time. I managed to fund my trips interstate and overseas through my job. It was great. Uni breaks are totally awesome. Despite my declining finances last year, it was nonetheless one of the best years of my life.

Uni brings with it so many opportunities. My biggest regret being I did not go on exchange. The trips I made subsequent to that were a kind of consolation. Did I regret fast-tracking my law and not being around people I know for a year? Not really. I think it was a great opportunity to meet new people. Did I? Not really. I don't think I was as sociable back then. I'm probably still not. The one thing I did not regret was all my late-nighters and my marks. I do not regret my efforts, or total lack of it.

I consider myself lucky 5 years down the track having this job in this economic climate. Halfway through my finance degree I knew I had made the wrong choice, but was too far into it to change. I never saw myself as an investment banker or equities dealer, and that sentiment just grew the more I progressed through the major. I didn't see myself doing maths every day. I never did, so I didn't know what delusion I was under that made me think that was what I wanted. It was very stupid considering I initially decided against accounting, but that would have been what I would have done instead. It was also stupid because I would have been easily propelled into the heights of accounting skydom, considering where I worked. I have always seen this decision as a conscious sacrifice. Maybe I did it because of my pride- I did not want to be seen using leverage. I don't know what it was, but it ultimately got me to where I am today.

Thinking back, the lowest time was realising that you had been totally outshone by the many outstanding candidates that secured clerkship positions. It was not cool to be one of the few people that missed out on a clerkship, law or otherwise. Having a part-time job that converted to full-time was consolation, as was my trip to Japan. It made up for everything. It was also the beginning of something special too. If you know me well, you know what I'm referring to.

There have been too many memorable experiences over the last five years, and now with graduation formally concluding this chapter of my life, it is with some sadness that it must end at the pinnacle of my happiness. I think it is this lingering feeling that has made my transition from uni student to worker so hard and unbearable. I find that despite appearing to be happy with work, I am often unsettled and distracted. It makes me happy sometimes, but it makes me frustrated and annoyed at others. As I have said, the fact that I see no end to this next chapter of my life is a large roadblock that I am still struggling to overcome and accept. I feel trapped until the next weekend, or until the next long weekend. I am beyond accepting that I earn money now, rather I want my time back. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this as I'm at work doing my things and that's all I think about. It's just that when I do think about it outside of work, the feelings are somewhat passionate and overwhelming. Help.

So that's my five years. I felt that the transition from high school to uni was almost seemless. I can't say the same for this current one. It has been a lot of fun and a wonderful rollercoaster ride thus far. See how it goes for the next five years?

benny | Wednesday, May 06, 2009

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